Never Fairies' Wintery Secret extended cut

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Muppets: We're doing a sequel
*How hard can it be?
Rowlf: *We can't do any worse than The Godfather III
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♪ We're doing a sequel How hard can it be?
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♪ We can't do any worse than The Godfather III
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(An extended musical sequence takes place during "We're Doing a Sequel" featuring dancers on studio sets and other behind-the-scenes goings on)
MAN 1: Coming through!
WOMAN: Sending over to wardrobe!
MAN 2: We're taking this set apart.
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MAN 1: Coming through!
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WOMAN: Sending over to wardrobe!
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MAN 2: We're taking this set apart.
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Oh!
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Lew Zealand: How about one of those fish out of water movies?
Kermit: Yeah, I'm not so sure about that, Lew.
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How about one of those
fish out of water movies?
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Yeah, I'm not so sure about that, Lew.
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Waldorf: How about a movie where you don't make a movie?
Statler: And we all get to go home early!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Kermit: Good grief.
Rowlf: (playing piano) It's about a lonely dog, and one night he sees something he should never have seen. And he has to live with a terrible secret.
Kermit: That sounds a little dark, Rowlf.
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How about a movie where you
don't make a movie?
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And we all get to go home early!
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(BOTH LAUGHING)
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Good grief.
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-(PLAYING PIANO)
-It about a lonely dog,
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and one night he sees something
he should never have seen.
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And he has to live with a terrible secret.
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That sounds a little dark, Rowlf.
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(Peter Serafinowicz and other Gulag officers dine in a security room)
Peter Serafinowicz: Exactly why do we have an "Open All Doors" button? Seem kind of dangerous.
Guard: Eat your goulash.
(Suddenly, Constantine bursts in and attacks them)
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Exactly why do we have an
"Open All Doors" button?
Seems kind of dangerous.
Eat your goulash.
(POWERING DOWN)
-(GRUNTING) -(PUNCHES LANDING)
(DISHES SHATTERING)
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(EXT. THE KINGDOM OF ARENDELLE — DAY. Soon the people of Arendelle, along with dignitaries from around the land, were making their way into the royal church for Elsa's coronation. Kristoff, however, was far away, in a corner of the town. He had sold all his ice and was now busy bargaining for a brand new sleigh)
Kristoff: Watch this, Sven!
(He played around with the sleigh's special features, which allowed it to switch between runners and wheels)
Kristoff: It's a sleigh! It's a wagon! It's a sleigh! It's a wagon!
(A sleigh salesman looked concerned, as if he was wondering what kind of person would talk to a reindeer. But he wanted to finish the sale. He tried to make small talk as they completed their deal)
Salesman: You sticking around to see the queen and the princess?
Kristoff: Are you kidding? I've got a brand-new sleigh...with wheels! I'm hitting the road.
Salesman: Suit yourself. But I bet they're beautiful.
(Kristoff didn't even hear the man. He and Sven were already headed back to the mountains with their new sleigh)
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Kermit: Okay, guys, guys. Gather round and listen up. If we're going to go on a world tour, I thought we should travel in classic style. So… I've booked us a tour train!
(Everyone was really excited. Kermit turned around and shook his head)
Kermit: No, guys, not that train. This train.
(He pointed behind the brand-new train, where a dingy steam train stood. The dining car had no roof, and when the whistle blew, the smokestack fell off!)
Kermit: Isn't she a beauty?
(But the others didn't agree)
(BEAUREGARD the janitor leaned out of the engine car)
Beauregard: All aboard, guys!
Scooter: Beauregard's licensed to drive a train?
Beauregard: It's like a big car, but with no steering wheel, so it's easier.
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Okay, guys, guys.
Gather round and listen up.
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If we're going to go on a world tour,
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I thought we should
travel in classic style.
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So... I booked us a tour train!
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(ALL CLAMORING EXCITEDLY)
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No, guys, not that train. This train.
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(WHISTLE BLOWS)
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Isn't she a beauty?
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(ALL SIGH DISAPPOINTEDLY)
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All aboard, guys!
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Beauregard's licensed to drive a train?
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It's like a big car, but with no
steering wheel, so it's easier.
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(Fozzie peaked out the train window)
FOZZIE: Hey, guys! The dining car has an observation deck.
(He checked the roof)
Fozzie: Oh, wait, the dining car doesn't have a roof.
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-For our what?
-FOZZIE: Hey, guys!
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The dining car has an observation deck.
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Oh, wait, the dining car
doesn't have a roof.
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Miss Piggy: Kermit, we are professional performers. "Actors, musicians, and… Others.
Kermit: Gee, guys, nobody ever said this would be easy. We have to start small.
Fozzie: Then go huge?
Kermit: Well, then go slightly less small. And then a touch less small until we're small-to-medium-small.
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Kermit, we are professional performers.
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Actors, musicians, and...
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Others.
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Gee, guys, nobody ever
said this would be easy.
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We have to start small.
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Then go huge?
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Well, then go slightly less small.
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And then a touch less small until
we're small-to-medium-small.
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Bunsen: Why did I invent the automatic drowning helmet? The extra sharp chair? Or the unexpectedly exploding cupcake?
(Beaker, in the bomb-attractor vest, holds the cupcake, which explodes. And so does Beaker)
Bunsen: Because it's there, Kermit. Because it's there.
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Why did I invent the automatic
drowning helmet?
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The extra sharp chair?
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Or the unexpectedly exploding cupcake?
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-(SCREAMS)
-(ALL GASP)
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Because it's there, Kermit.
Because it's there.
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(Piggy was furious. She stormed toward the door, Foo Foo barking angrily at Kermit the whole time. Piggy whirled around dramatically, her chin trembling)
Miss Piggy+: (heartbroken) You never loved me, Kermit!
Kermit+: I do love you, Piggy. But sometimes you drive me crazy!
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(Suddenly, James had another idea)
James: Fire ants!
(ALL CHEERING)
(But a big booming voice interrupted their wild cheers)
MANNY: Hey, hey, whoa! What's going on in here?
(The kids froze in their tracks)
DIEGO: And how can we make it more painful?
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Manny: I am not going extinct!
Sid: Oh, well, if you do go extinct, can I have you spot on the food chain?
(The skin around his mouth was turning purple from the dripping berry juice)
Manny: What part of not going extinct do you not understand?
Sid: I'm having trouble with the not part. I think you are, too.
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Scooter: (STAMMERING) (SPEAKING IN GERMAN) Please welcome our first act, Australian superstar…
(The celebrity guest host CHRISTOPH WALTZ popped out from the curtains)
Christoph: Not Australian. Austrian. Austrian.
Scooter: Yeah, of course. Yes, right. (to the others backstage) Cancel the Waltzing Matilda opening Australian number.
(The KANGAROO, KOALA, and BEAUREGARD)
Beauregard: But we rehearsed it.
Koala: What?
Kangaroo: Jeez Louise.
Scooter: Sorry. Austrian superstar, Herr Christoph Waltz dances the waltz!
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Australian superstar...
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Not Australian. Austrian. Austrian.
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Yeah, of course. Yes, right.
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Cancel the Waltzing Matilda
opening Australian number.
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But we rehearsed it.
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-What?
-Jeez Louise.
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Sorry. Austrian superstar...
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(Jean pulled out a folder and handed it to Sam)
Jean Pierre: Here's the Lemur file. It's everything we have on him.
(Sam opened it to find it full of Lemur coins. And nothing else)
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Here is the lemur file.
It is everything we have on him.
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Kermit: Who is this Constantine guy anyway?
(Nadya took a deep breath and explained)
Nadya: Abandoned as tadpole by his mother, Constantine was adopted by owner Russia's largest bomb factory, which he subsequently blew up. He is world's foremost explosives expert and number one criminal. He blows up the scenes of his crimes to cover his tiny frog-sized tracks.
Kermit: Well, listen, I can assure you I'm terrified of bombs. Especially on stage. (CHUCKLES)
(He instantly realized his joke bombed)
Nadya: That was bad on two levels.
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Sure, frog.
Everyone is innocent in a Gulag.
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Who is this Constantine guy anyway?
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Abandoned as tadpole by his mother,
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Constantine was adopted by owner
Russia's largest bomb factory,
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which he subsequently blew up.
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He is world's foremost explosives
expert and number one criminal.
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Well, listen, I can assure you
I'm terrified of bombs.
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Especially on stage. (CHUCKLES)
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That was bad on two levels.
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Constantine+: I'm not worried. What can she do?
(The door flew open. Piggy stood there, and she was fuming)
Miss Piggy+: Okay, buster. You've gone too far this time. I was trying to make nice, and you threw it right back in my face. I quit!
(When Constantine saw that many of the Muppets were watching, he realized that Dominic was right. He had to keep the pig happy. He decided it was time for Phase Two: Romance)
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Constantine: *I can give you anything you want
*Give you anything you need
*I'll make your dreams come true
*Give you anything you want
*Fulfill your fantasies
*I'll make your dreams come true
Constantine: *You wanna taste of fame, I'll give it to you
*You wanna little cupcake, I'll give it to you
*You wanna a cockatoo, I'll give it to you
*You wanna a kangaroo, I'll give it to you
*You wanna American car, I'll give it to you
*You wanna Hollywood star, I'll give it to you
*You wanna go to the moon
*I'll see what I can do
*I know what you're waiting for
*Well you don't need to wait no more
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♪ I can give you anything you want
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♪ Give you anything you need
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♪ I'll make your dreams come true
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♪ Give you anything you want Fulfill your fantasies
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♪ I'll make your dreams come true
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♪ You want a taste of fame I'll give it to you
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♪ You want a little cupcake I'll give it to you
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♪ You want a cockatoo I'll give it to you
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♪ You want a kangaroo I'll give it to you
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♪ You want American car I'll give it to you
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♪ You want a Hollywood star I'll give it to you
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♪ You wanna go to the moon...
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♪ I'll see what I can do
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♪ I know what you're waiting for
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♪ Well, you don't need to wait no more
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(INT. DRESSING ROOM, TEATRO COFIDIS, MADRID — NIGHT. Constantine is karate-chopping wood. Scooter poked his head into Constantine's dressing room)
Scooter: Okay, Kermit, five minutes till showtime.
Constantine: (BREATHING DEEPLY)
Scooter: Uh… Kermit? Chief?
(When Scooter gives Constantine a tap on his shoulder, he instinctively grabbed Scooter's arm and flipped him over his shoulder with his best karate move)
Constantine: Sorry.
(Scooter slowly got up)
Scooter: Oh, uh, no problem, chief. Are you coming?
Constantine: No. I refuse to perform. Do show without me.
(Luckily, Dominic was nearby and stepped in to help)
Dominic: Sorry, one second. Can I just have a quick word?
Constantine: No.
DOMINIC: It's just, uh…
CONSTANTINE: What?
(He pulled Constantine into the closet and shut the door)
DOMINIC: Okay, you have to go, Number One.
CONSTANTINE: No, you cannot make me go. You're the one who must go, Number Two.
(Scooter could hear the whole conversation)
DOMINIC: I can't go. I don't need to go. You're the one who needs to go, Number One.
CONSTANTINE: I have idea.
DOMINIC: What?
CONSTANTINE: We will both go together.
DOMINIC: That would look weird. I'm begging you, go. Go, Number One.
(Constantine put his head in his hands)
CONSTANTINE: I cannot. Not after what happened last time.
(He thought of the horrible stage fright he experienced)
(Outside the closet door, Scooter shook his head and walked away, thoroughly confused)
(Dominic looked him squarely in the face)
DOMINIC: Look at this. This might help.
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Okay, Kermit,
five minutes till showtime.
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-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
-Uh...
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Kermit? Chief?
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-(GRUNTS)
-Whoa!
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(SCOOTER GROANS)
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Sorry.
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Oh, uh, no problem, chief.
Are you coming?
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No. I refuse to perform.
Do show without me.
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Sorry, one second.
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-Can I just have a quick word?
-CONSTANTINE: No.
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-DOMINIC: It's just, uh...
-What?
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DOMINIC: Okay,
you have to go, Number One.
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CONSTANTINE: No,
you can not make me go.
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You're the one who must go,
Number Two.
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DOMINIC: I can't go. I don't need to go.
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You're the one who needs to go,
Number One.
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-CONSTANTINE: I have idea.
-What?
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CONSTANTINE: We will
both go together.
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DOMINIC: That would look weird.
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I'm begging you, go. Go, Number One.
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CONSTANTINE: I cannot.
Not after what happened last time.
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DOMINIC: Look at this. This might help.
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Pepé+: *¿Por qué venimos siempre
*A este terrible show?
*Esto es una tortura
*Y a casa yo me voy
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Constantine: Yes, yes. I am Kermit. Mm-hmm. Yes.
Scooter: Okay, chief. Wrap it up.
Constantine: One minute, please. (to audience) Let me drink it in. Ah…
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Yes, yes. I am Kermit. Mm-hmm. Yes.
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Okay, chief. Wrap it up.
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One minute, please.
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Let me drink it in. Ah...
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Dr. Teeth: I knew audiences dug jam sessions.
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I knew audiences dug jam sessions.
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I even brought my rock collection.
(He held out a pile of pebbles to show Diego)
Diego: Get rid of those pebbles.
(He slapped them out of his hand into the water)
Sid: My feldspar!
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ELLIE: I've got a really bad feeling about this. My possum sense is tingling.
Manny: Possum sense? There's no such thing.
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(EXT. FRANCE — DAY. They went on a crazy and short ride through his home country, France)
Jean Pierre: Ah, this is the life, mon ami. Out on the open road with no schedule at all. Except for Madrid.
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Ah, this is the life, mon ami.
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Out on the open road
with no schedule at all.
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Except for Madrid.
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Constantine: *From 10:00 to 10:04
*Was when we did the show encore
Sam the Eagle: *Hmm, Frog we've got our doubts
*Can you confirm your whereabouts?
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♪ From ten o'clock till 10:04
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♪ Was when we did the show's encore
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♪ Hmm, frog we've got our doubts
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♪ Can you confirm your whereabouts?
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Sam the Eagle: *We can give you a plea deal
Jean Pierre: *All you have to do is squeal
Miss Piggy: *I'm not a thief, I don't know how
*All I've ever taken is a bow
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♪ We can give you a plea deal
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♪ All you have to do is squeal
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♪ I'm not a thief I don't know how
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♪ All I've ever taken is a bow
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Jean Pierre: Bring in the purple guy with the schnoz
Sam the Eagle: *Do you remember what you did
*On the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo: *I was hit by a raging bull
*And rushed offstage to the hospital
Jean Pierre: *Gonzo, what do you know
*About the sculpture theft at Madrid's Prado?
Gonzo: *I never saw the stolen busts
*I spent the night in bed concussed
Sam the Eagle: *The truth Gonzo, the clock is tickin'
Gonzo: *If you don't believe me, ask the chicken
*Camilla was there, she'll co-operate
Jean Pierre: *Madam, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla: (CLUCKING FRANTICALLY)
Sam the Eagle: Will someone get this chicken out of here?
Gonzo: *Calm down Camilla, it's a routine inspection
Sam the Eagle & Jean Pierre (Both): *Thank you Gonzo, no more questions
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Bring in the purple guy with the schnoz.
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♪ Do you remember what you did
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♪ On the night you played Madrid?
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♪ I was hit by a raging bull
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♪ And rushed off stage to the hospital
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♪ Gonzo, what do you know
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♪ About a sculpture theft at Madrid's Prado
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♪ I never saw the stolen busts
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♪ I spent the night in bed concussed
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♪ The truth, Gonzo the clock is tickin'
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♪ If you don't believe me ask the chicken
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♪ Camilla was there she'll cooperate
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♪ Madame, are you willing to corroborate?
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(CLUCKING FRANTICALLY)
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Will someone get this
chicken out of here?
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♪ Calm down, Camilla it's a routine inspection
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♪ Thank you, Gonzo no more questions
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Jean Pierre: *To help with our investigation
*Can someone provide a full translation?
Beaker: *(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
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♪ To help with our investigation
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♪ Could someone provide a full translation?
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(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
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Ellie: Come on. Let's go uproot something. I want to see what this new mammoth body can do.
Manny: But you've always had that body!
(Ellie had already raced halfway down the hill)
(Manny shrugged and hurried off after her)
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Jean Pierre: Après vous.
Sam the Eagle: No, no, after you.
Jean Pierre: No, après vous.
Sam the Eagle: No, please, after you.
Jean Pierre: Mon cher ami, après vous.
Sam the Eagle: I insist.
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-Après vous.
-No, no, after you.
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-No, après vous.
-No, please, after you.
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-Mon cher ami, après vous.
-I insist.
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(One reverent sloth held up a large melon)
Sid: For me?
(Before Sid could grab it, the sloth shoved it into Sid's mouth, while another handed him a flower)
(He sniffed it)
Sid: Aaaaachoooo!
(He sneezed melon all over one of the sloths in the crowd, and he went into raptures of joy)
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Kermit: Quiet! Now, look! This song does not work. It's a six-part harmony, for crying out loud! Forget it, it's not happening. Now you…
(Big Papa stops Kermit by eyeballing him)
Kermit: You're… You're not eyeballing me. Are you eyeballing me?
Big Papa: No, no.
Kermit: Are you eyeballing me?
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Now, look! This song does not work.
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It's a six-part harmony,
for crying out loud!
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Forget it, it's not happening.
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Now you...
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You're... You're not eyeballing me.
Are you eyeballing me?
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-No, no.
-Are you eyeballing me?
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(The guard interrupts to alert her)
Guard: There is riot in block D.
Nadya: Can't you see I'm busy?
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There is riot in block D.
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Can't you see I'm busy?
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(It didn't take them long to come up with a plan until Dominic begin to ask)
Dominic: Is that a scarf?
Constantine: Mmm.
Dominic: Is it a present for someone?
Constantine: Yes.
Dominic: Who?
Constantine: Not important.
(Dominic smirks)
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-Is that a scarf?
-Mmm.
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-Is it a present for someone?
-Yes.
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Who?
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Not important.
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Janice: And I like totally cried when he joined the Muppets.
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And I like totally cried
when he joined the Muppets.
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Dominic: Can I be honest? The show will be better without them.
Statler: Couldn't get any worse.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
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-Coming.
-Can I be honest?
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The show will be better without them.
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-Couldn't get any worse.
-(BOTH LAUGHING)
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Constantine: But Dominic is right. We're better off without them.
Dominic: Exactly.
Link Hogthrob: Well, that's true.
Floyd: No, it ain't.
Link Hogthrob: No, no, it ain't. It's not.
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But Dominic is right.
We're better off without them.
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Exactly.
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-Well, that's true.
-No, it ain't.
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No, no, it ain't. It's not.
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(INT. BACKSTAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE — LATER. The Muppets (Rowlf, Lew Zealand, Camilla, Gonzo, Scooter, Piggy, Beaker, Sweetums, Rizzo, Pepé, Bunsen, Link, the Swedish Chef, Zoot, Lips, Janice, Floyd, Dr. Teeth) were having fun)
Gonzo+: Maybe it's just me. But I'm doing whatever we want to do not as much fun as we thought it would be?
(The other Muppets nodded sadly)
Rowlf+: You know when you're a kid and you want a cool dad and then you hang out with your friend's cool dad.
Gonzo+: It's just so weird and then you miss your normal dad who made all the rules?
Scooter+: Does anyone else feel like… Maybe Walter was right… And maybe Kermit's acting different on this tour.
(The Electric Mayhem coasted the music to a stop)
Janice+: Yeah. Something is weird and, like, not in a good weird way. Like, in a bad weird way.
(Piggy didn't agree)
Miss Piggy+: That's ridiculous! Kermit could not be more himself! He has never been more caring or devoted to me than he has been over the past few weeks!
Rizzo+: Yeah, that's what we're saying.
Pepé+: Kermit hasn't been acting himself.
(Piggy fell silent. Could that puny rat be right?)
Bunsen+: That's kind of our point.
Beaker+: (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
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(Offstage, the other Muppets (Afghan Hound, Scooter, Gonzo, Mildred Huxtetter, Camilla, Beauregard) were pretty shocked)
Scooter: Oh, my gosh.
Gonzo: Kermit's really doing it, isn't he?
Camilla: (CLUCKING) (subtitles appear: What about us, Gonzo?)
Gonzo: I told you, when I'm a millionaire. Again.
(They all watched as Piggy hugged Constantine)
Constantine: Yes, pictures now.
Miss Piggy: (SIGHS) This ring. It's so… So black. It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.
Constantine: It's a very rare black diamond. That ring is priceless. Like you, my dear. Now you have everything you've ever wanted. And so do I.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermie, you've never said that to me be… …fore.
(Piggy paused. What did Kermit mean?)
(The incoming paparazzi interrupted)
Paparazzi: Over here, Piggy! Over here!
(Constantine grabbed Piggy, and found himself enjoying the spotlight)
Miss Piggy: What's gotten into you?
Constantine: Love, my dear. Love.
(Piggy narrowed her eyes at him. Something was not right, she thought)
(INT. BACKSTAGE, DUBLIN THEATRE — NIGHT. Moments later, when Constantine exited the stage, Dominic pulled him aside)
Dominic: So… Secret phase three, proposing to the pig?
Constantine: Keep up, Number Two. In Tower of London, you cannot put on stupid variety show, but you can get married.
(He unrolled Thomas Blood's map of the Tower of London)
Constantine: You see, Blood's passageways are located directly below Saint John's Chapel. I realized months ago that our only chance of pulling this off was a Muppet wedding.
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Oh, my gosh.
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Kermit's really doing it, isn't he?
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(CLUCKING)
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I told you, when I'm a millionaire.
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Again.
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Yes, pictures now.
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(SIGHS) This ring. It's so... So black.
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It's a little ominous, to tell the truth.
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It's a very rare black diamond.
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That ring is priceless. Like you, my dear.
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Now you have everything
you've ever wanted.
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And so do I.
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Oh, Kermie, you've
never said that to me be...
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...fore.
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What's gotten into you?
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Love, my dear.
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Love.
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-(CLAMORING)
-(APPLAUSE)
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So... Secret phase three,
proposing to the pig.
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Keep up, Number Two.
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In Tower of London,
 _________________________________
you cannot put on stupid variety show,
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but you can get married.
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You see, Blood's
passageways are located
_________________________________
directly below Saint John's Chapel.
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I realized months ago that our only
chance of pulling this off
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was a Muppet wedding.
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(Suddenly, the bull head-butted him out of the frame, which is a more Muppet Show-like ending to one of the Newsman's reports)
Bull: (MOOS)
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-(BULL LOWING)
-(GRUNTS)
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(MOOS)
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(The guards clapped politely from the audience as the music began. Danny Trejo came out onstage wearing a hat with a flower)
Fozzie: Wow!
(He began to tell some jokes)
Danny Trejo: What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf that escaped from the Gulag? A small medium at large. But seriously, folks, it wasn't me.
(PRISONERS LAUGH)
Danny Trejo: Wocka, wocka, wocka.
(Everyone laughed, not noticing Walter, Fozzie, and Animal peering in. The trio went around the side)
WALTER: Let's go get him.
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Wow!
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What do you call a clairvoyant dwarf
that escaped from the Gulag?
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A small medium at large.
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-(PRISONERS LAUGH)
-Oh! (LAUGHS)
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Wocka, wocka, wocka.
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WALTER: Let's go get him.
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Kermit: Well, the weakest point in the Gulag is over there by the fourth wall.
Walter: Okay. We're gonna have to break the fourth wall.
(Then Kermit, Fozzie, Walter, and Animal look at the audience, silence)
Fozzie: I don't think is gonna work, guys.
Kermit: I'm afraid you're right.
_________________________________
Well, the weakest point of the Gulag
is over there by the fourth wall.
_________________________________
Okay. We're gonna have
to break the fourth wall.
_________________________________
Hmm.
_________________________________
-I don't think is gonna work, guys.
-I'm afraid you're right.
_________________________________
Diego: We raced the water and lost.
(The LONE GUNSLINGER VULTURE flies over the geyser field)
Lone Gunslinger Vulture: There's no escape.
(He swooped down and landed in front of them)
Sid: Did the scary vulture say anything about exploding geysers?
Lone Gunslinger Vulture: Y'all going to be boiled alive. It will be an instant of pain that feels like an…
(Before the Lone Gunslinger could finish its sentence–BOOM!–a geyser went off and blasted the bird to smithereens. Feathers drifted down around them like snow)
Diego: Now, that's a visual aid!
_________________________________
Sid: Manny, snap out of it!
Ellie: Hey, guys! Head out from the tree, pass three geysers, and then go left.
(Manny glanced up. He saw Ellie perched on the branch of a tree)
Manny: Ellie! What are you doing up there?
Ellie: The geysers are blowing up. I can see it from here.
(Ellie promised to guide her friends through the exploding geyser field. He would then follow her own directions to safety)
Ellie: As you said, a mammoth never forgets.
(Sid helped Manny up. He wasn't crazy about Ellie's plan, but there was no other way. So with Diego behind him, Manny and Sid moved out)
DIEGO: That way!
Ellie: Go left! Good! Now cut right! Awesome!
(The group zigzagged through the exploding maze. The group ran out of the geyser field into safe territory. They were almost at the boat. After a few close calls, they were home free)
Ellie: You did it!
(She was about to climb down from the tree when–)
(Boom! Boom! Boom!)
(Ellie froze. A bunch of geysers were exploding all around her!)
Ellie: Oh, boy.
(The tree underneath her burst into splinters. She had to get out of the field fast!)
(Ellie could hardly see through the thick mist. She could hear the guys cheering her on as she crisscrossed the exploding geysers)
(The ground rumbled and began to split. On one side of the deep crack stood Manny, Sid and Diego)
(On the other side stood Ellie and Crash and Eddie)
Ellie: We're okay!
(Manny stared at the crack. It was too deep for them to cross)
Manny: Ellie, go around the corner. We'll meet you at the boat!
Ellie: Last one there is a fossil!
(By now, boiling water was pouring through the English countryside and heading for the dam)
Manny: The worst is behind us. But it's catching up to us quickly!
(Time was running out for the migrating mammals. Would they make it to the boat? Or would the raging flood waters halt them permanently?)
_________________________________
(EXT. TOWER OF LONDON — DAY. Everything looked good–until Dominic stopped him)
Dominic: What are you doing here?
(Kermit jumped in surprise)
Dominic: You're supposed to be getting ready, Number One.
(He thinks that Kermit was Constantine)
Dominic: And also, your mole thing is showing.
(Kermit quickly launched into a Constantine impression)
Kermit: Ah, yes. (as Constantine) Yes, of course. I know that, you complete idiot. Why do you think I am walking around with these flowers to cover my face?
(Dominic was confused)
Dominic: All right. Calm down.
Kermit: Thank you. (as Constantine) For nothing!
(He left and walked inside the gates of the Tower of London)
_________________________________
-What are you doing here?
-(WHIMPERING)
_________________________________
You're supposed to be getting ready,
Number One.
_________________________________
And also, your thing is showing.
_________________________________
Ah, yes. Yes, of course.
_________________________________
I know that, you complete idiot.
_________________________________
Why do you think I am walking around
with these flowers to cover my face?
_________________________________
-All right. Calm down.
-Thank you.
_________________________________
For nothing!
_________________________________
Dominic: How did you do that?
CONSTANTINE: Do what?
(Dominic took a step forward, right onto Fozzie)
Fozzie: Ow! I mean, nothing.
(Luckily, Fozzie's comment was ignored)
Constantine: Whatever.
_________________________________
-How did you do that?
-CONSTANTINE: Do what?
_________________________________
Ow! I mean, nothing.
_________________________________
Whatever.
_________________________________
(Constantine shook his head)
Constantine: Phase four. I do not plan to be married for long.
Dominic: Yeah, but if you get divorced, you have to share the Crown Jewels with her fifty-fifty.
Constantine: I will not be getting divorced, you idiot.
_________________________________
Phase four. I do not plan
to be married for long.
_________________________________
Yeah, but if you get divorced,
_________________________________
you'll have to share
the Crown Jewels with her fifty-fifty.
_________________________________
I will not be getting divorced, you idiot.
_________________________________
Delivery Man: Champagne fridge delivery. For Mr., uh… The Frog.
CONSTANTINE: Ah, yes.
_________________________________
For Mr., uh... The Frog.
_________________________________
CONSTANTINE: Ah, yes.
_________________________________
(Scooter and Rowlf greeted the Disney Channel stars: Bridgit Mendler, Debby Ryan, Tyrel Jackson Williams, and Jake Short)
Scooter: Hey, there. Can we help you guys?
Tyrel Jackson Williams: Yeah, we're the Disney synergy invites. This is out row.
Rowlf: What's synergy?
Jake Short: It's the interaction of multiple elements in a system.
Scooter: Okay, see you soon.
(EXT. THE TOWER OF LONDON — DAY. Sam was guarding the car, not noticing Kermit is gagging, gargling, and coughing. Then he did it again. And again. And again!)
Fozzie: Kermit, are you carsick?
Kermit: (COUGHS) I swallowed a hairpin months ago, in case something like this should happen. It's one of those things you learn in prison, Fozzie.
Fozzie: Hmm.
(He coughed up a hairpin and secured it with his lips)
Kermit: Give me your paw.
Fozzie: Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(Kermit then skillfully maneuvered it down to Fozzie's cuffed hand)
Fozzie: That's slimy.
(And then he dropped it)
Kermit: Fozzie! I had that in my gullet for three months.
(He looked for it on the floor, but it was out of reach)
Fozzie: I'm sorry, but that was just gross.
Kermit: Good grief.
_________________________________
Hey, there. Can we help you guys?
_________________________________
Yeah, we're the Disney
synergy invites. This is our row.
_________________________________
What's synergy?
_________________________________
It's the interaction of multiple elements
in a system.
_________________________________
Okay, see you soon.
_________________________________
(GAGGING)
_________________________________
-(GARGLES)
-(COUGHS)
_________________________________
(GAGGING CONTINUES)
_________________________________
-Kermit, are you carsick?
-(COUGHS)
_________________________________
I swallowed a hairpin months ago,
_________________________________
in case something
like this should happen.
_________________________________
It's one of those things
you learn in prison, Fozzie.
_________________________________
Hmm.
_________________________________
(RETCHING)
_________________________________
Give me your paw.
_________________________________
Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah.
_________________________________
That's slimy.
_________________________________
Fozzie! I had that thing
in my gullet for three months.
_________________________________
I'm sorry, but that was just gross.
_________________________________
Good grief.
_________________________________
Kermit: Bear left.
Fozzie: Right, frog.
_________________________________
-Bear left.
-Right, frog.
_________________________________
(An officious secretary bird named GUSTAV manned the entrance. Two big rhinos stood behind him like linebackers)
GUSTAV: Passengers, please! Rub your bellies, roll over on your backs, do whatever you do to calm yourselves down.
(A huge flock of birds whooshed overhead, heading out of the dangerous valley at top speed)
(Manny, Sid, and Diego was trying to push past the beefy bodyguards)
Manny: We have to find someone!
Diego: A possum about 11 feet tall.
(Just then, Gustav pinned them with his beady eye)
GUSTAV: Attention! This is the pre-boarding announcement.
Sid: The pre-boarding what?
Gustav: You must have missed it.
Manny: Thank you. Let's go!
(The group zipped off until...)
Gustav: At this time, we're only boarding passengers with mates.
Sid & Diego (Both): Mates?
(Two frizzy-furred females immediately began to quarrel over a scrawny male mammal of the same species)
Frizzy Female 1: He's mine!
Frizzy Female 2: I saw him first!
(Sid looked at Gustav)
Sid: Excuse me, Gustav. What if you don't have a mate?
Gustav: Then you must travel standby.
Manny: Standby travel?
Diego: What's standby travel?
Gustav: You stand by, and we travel.
MALE MAMMAL: Is there someone we can talk to?
GUSTAV: Mother Nature will be here any moment to field questions.
_________________________________
Rowlf: I knew it. No one could have a cold for that long.
Pepé: Or that bad of an accent, okay.
_________________________________
I knew it. No one could have
a cold for that long.
_________________________________
Or that bad of an accent, okay.
_________________________________
CONSTANTINE: He's lying! I'm the real Kermit the Frog. He's an impostor.
KERMIT: I'm not an impostor!
(Constantine turned to the other Muppets)
CONSTANTINE: I will let you do whatever you want, comrades!
KERMIT: What?
CONSTANTINE: Because I love you.
(Kermit shook his head)
KERMIT: Love isn't about doing what everyone wants! Love is about doing what you know is best. Now I know I can't be loved all the time. I can't be liked all the time.
(He looked at Piggy)
Kermit: But I love you.
(He turned back toward the other Muppets)
Kermit: All of you. Even when you drive me crazy.
Floyd+: He's crazy, man.
(He took another step toward Piggy)
Kermit: And some of you because you drive me crazy.
_________________________________
CONSTANTINE: He's lying.
I'm the real Kermit the Frog!
_________________________________
-He's an impostor!
-KERMIT: I'm not the impostor!
_________________________________
CONSTANTINE: I will let you do
whatever you want, comrades.
_________________________________
KERMIT: What?
CONSTANTINE: Because I love you!
_________________________________
KERMIT: Love isn't about doing
what everyone wants!
_________________________________
Love is about doing
what you know is best.
_________________________________
Now I know I can't be loved all the time.
_________________________________
Heck, I can't be liked all the time.
_________________________________
But I love you.
_________________________________
All of you.
_________________________________
Even when you drive me crazy.
_________________________________
And some of you because
you drive me crazy.
_________________________________
Miss Piggy+: I'm going through a lot of emotions right now. I've waited my whole life for this moment, so why aren't I more happy? I mean, I'm not even crying at my own wedding! Is this all just what I thought I wanted? (to Constantine) Are you just the Kermit I thought I wanted?
_________________________________
I'm going through a
lot of emotions right now.
_________________________________
I've waited my whole life
for this moment,
_________________________________
so why aren't I more happy?
_________________________________
I mean, I'm not even crying
at my own wedding!
_________________________________
Is this all just what I thought I wanted?
_________________________________
Are you just the Kermit
I thought I wanted?
_________________________________
Hobo Joe: This hobo believes in love again.
(Then he kissed the Whatnot hobo)
Whatnot Hobo: What are you doing over there?
(Hobo Joe kissed another one)
_________________________________
This hobo believes in love again.
_________________________________
What are you doing over there?
_________________________________
Manny: But what about you? You don't have a mate!
Gustav: Okay, okay, the rule does not apply to me. But I do have power. So whatever I say goes!
(The creatures glared at Gustav)
Gustav: I'm sorry. That was a bad answer!
_________________________________
(Manny knew they had to get on the boat before the dam broke, or else. He shoved Gustav aside)
Manny: Attention!
Gustav: Me! Me!
Manny: At this time, we are now boarding everyone!
GUSTAV: I'm in charge here! Me! Me!
_________________________________
(EXT. ROOF, TOWER OF LONDON — DAY. Beaker bears the full brunt of Constantine's bomb and he turns from the Thames in Bunsen's bomb-attracting suit, the head piece of which has exploded)
Beaker+: (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (GASPS)
(Kermit was dangling by one hand from the helicopter. Constantine looked down)
Kermit+: Constantine, can we talk this over?
Constantine+: Good-bye, Kermit the Frog!
(He stomped on Kermit's other hand)
Miss Piggy+: Kermit, no!
(Kermit couldn't hold on and fell with a loud "Arrgghh!")
(Desperately, Piggy looked down to try and see Kermit landed)
(Constantine pulled up the steering stick)
Constantine+: Checkmate. Let's go, pig.
(The helicopter began to pull away. Piggy fumed, her beloved Kermie was gone)
Miss Piggy+: You murderer!
Gonzo+: Uh-oh!
(As the top of the Muppet Ladder, Gonzo's nose started to slide to the back side of the helicopter. He held on tightly to the helicopter)
(Just then, Sam and Jean, who Sam had reached on vacation, appeared on the roof)
Jean Pierre+: Les Muppets, you are all under arrest. Sacré bleu, they're getting away!
(Then the bottom of the Muppet Ladder lifted off the roof)
Sam the Eagle+: Not so fast! I have you now!
(Sam grabbed Sweetums's feet, who was at the bottom of the ladder. But then, Sam began to get dragged upward, too)
Sam the Eagle+: Shawn.
(Up above, the helicopter suddenly halted with a shudder. Constantine pulled on the steering stick, but it was no use. He looked down and spotted the Muppet Ladder, which was preventing him from escaping)
Constantine+: Muppets? Don't they ever give up?
(When Constantine was distracted, Piggy began to furiously rub her ropes on a sharp edge she spotted on a column in front of her)
(Jean ran over and grabbed Sam's feet)
Jean Pierre+: Don't worry! I have you, mon ami!
(Now the two detectives were part of the Muppet Ladder)
(The Muppet Ladder went taut, looking like a kite string stretching across the cloudy sky)
(Meanwhile, Constantine was determined to get away. He opened the throttle even more)
Constantine+: Full power!
(The helicopter started to inch upward again, and a grin spread across Constantine's face. The Muppet Ladder was almost at its breaking point)
Fozzie+: I can't hold on much longer!
(Then his hand let go and the chain began to fall apart. Camilla and a couple of the chickens fell out of the ladder but flew away to safety)
Scooter+: He's going to get away!
(The helicopter lifted slightly)
(And then…)
(A green hand appeared over the top of one of the Tower battlements. Then another hand. Then a frog's face. It was Kermit! He looked steely and determined)
Kermit+: Papa's sprung and mad.
(Walter looked down from the ladder and spotted him)
Walter+: Guys, look! Kermit's alive!
Fozzie+: And way badder than before!
(The Muppet Ladder all cheered)
(Kermit made his way to the Muppet Ladder and started to climb)
Fozzie+: Good luck, Kermit.
Jean Pierre+: Take him down, monsieur.
(Up in the helicopter, Constantine was still trying to pull away. He looked down and saw Kermit climbing the ladder)
Constantine+: The frog? But how?
_________________________________
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
_________________________________
(GASPING)
_________________________________
Constantine, can we talk this over?
_________________________________
(IMITATING KERMIT)
Good-bye, Kermit the Frog!
_________________________________
-(SCREAMING)
-Kermie, no!
_________________________________
(MUPPETS GASP)
_________________________________
-(GASPS)
-Checkmate! Let's go, pig.
_________________________________
-You murderer!
-Uh-oh!
_________________________________
(ALL STRAINING)
_________________________________
Les Muppets, you are all under arrest.
_________________________________
Sacré bleu. They're getting away!
_________________________________
-Whoa!
-Not so fast!
_________________________________
I have you now! Whoa!
_________________________________
Help me, Shawn.
_________________________________
(MUPPETS STRAINING)
_________________________________
Muppets, don't they ever give up?
_________________________________
Don't worry! I have you, mon ami!
_________________________________
Full power.
_________________________________
-(CONSTANTINE SNICKERING)
-(MUPPETS STRAINING)
_________________________________
I'm slipping!
_________________________________
I can't hold on much longer!
_________________________________
(CHICKENS CLUCKING)
_________________________________
He's going to get away!
_________________________________
Papa's sprung and mad.
_________________________________
Guys, look! Kermit's alive!
_________________________________
And way badder than before!
_________________________________
(MUPPETS CHEERING)
_________________________________
-Good luck, Kermit.
-Take him down, monsieur.
_________________________________
-(GRUNTING)
-You're okay!
_________________________________
The frog? But how?
_________________________________
Kermit: So, uh, how do we land this thing, huh?
Miss Piggy: Oh, that's easy.
(She reached over and pressed the autopilot button)
_________________________________
So, uh, how do we land this thing, huh?
_________________________________
Oh, that's easy.
_________________________________
Gonzo: It's pronounced "Bad-gee."
_________________________________
It's pronounced "Bad-gee."
_________________________________
(Dominic and Constantine walk along with the guards)
Dominic: Since I stole the Crown Jewels, guess I'm number one now.
Constantine: But we're going to jail.
Dominc: Doesn't matter. Still counts, still stole 'em. (SINGING) I'm number one, you're number two
Constantine: Shut up. That's my song.
_________________________________
Since I stole the Crown Jewels,
guess I'm number one now.
_________________________________
But we're going to jail.
_________________________________
Doesn't matter.
Still counts, still stole 'em.
_________________________________
♪ I'm number one you're number two
_________________________________
Shut up.
_________________________________
That's my song.
_________________________________
GUSTAV: Passengers, here's our final destination. Please exit in an orderly fashion.
(The mammals stampeded over Gustav's back)
(Gustav was now completely flatten like a pancake in the ensuing stampede)
Gustav: (GROANING) How about you do it your way?
_________________________________
(A group of mini-sloths carrying Cretaceous and Maelstrom's lifeless bodies on a tray)
Female Mini-Sloth: Bad juju?
MINI-SLOTH: No. Good sushi!
(The reptiles were prehistoric history and become dinner for the vultures, who one of them slurps)
_________________________________
(The rope appeared. Sweetums walks to the rope and begins to pull it down to make the credits go up. Another rope appeared with Fozzie)

Sweetums: Oh, boy. Hey, pull the rope!

Fozzie: Oh, right.

(And they both pull two ropes together)

Fozzie: This cast is really heavy. Rowlf, come here. Come here, come here.

ROWLF: Yeah, what do you got there?

FOZZIE: Take this.

(Then, Rowlf takes his turn to pull the rope)

Rowlf: You should have negotiated a smaller font size.

(The Swedish Chef appears with another rope)

Swedish Chef: (GROANS LOUDLY) (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(Then, Bunsen and Beaker appear. Beaker is holding another rope)

Bunsen: I believe I may have something that could help. This is my automated end-crawl operating machine. All I have to do is push this button and it will crawl all by itself.

(He pushes the button, sending Beaker hoisting himself up, making the credits fast-forward)
(BEAKER SCREAMING)

Bunsen: Oh. Let's try this.

(He rewinds the credits and back to where the credits is left off. Beaker falls to the ground)

Bunsen: Another qualified success.

(And with that, Bunsen and Sweetums left)

(BEAKER MOANING) (SWEETUMS GROANING)

Check this out.
(LAUGHS)
You can go home now, Ma.
The movie is over.
_________________________________
(HUMMING)
_________________________________
(LAUGHS)
_________________________________
(GRUNTING)
_________________________________
Oh, boy.
_________________________________
Hey, pull the rope!
_________________________________
Oh, right.
_________________________________
(BOTH GRUNTING)
_________________________________
This cast is really heavy.
_________________________________
Rowlf, come here.
Come here, come here.
_________________________________
ROWLF: Yeah, what do you got there?
_________________________________
FOZZIE: Take this.
_________________________________
(ROWLF GRUNTING)
_________________________________
You should have negotiated
a smaller font size.
_________________________________
(GROANS LOUDLY)
_________________________________
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
_________________________________
I believe I may have
something that could help.
_________________________________
This is my automated
end-crawl operating machine.
_________________________________
All I have to do is push this button
and it will crawl all by itself.
_________________________________
-Whoa!
-(BEAKER SCREAMING)
_________________________________
Oh. Let's try this.
_________________________________
Another qualified success.
_________________________________
-(BEAKER MOANING)
-(SWEETUMS GROANING)
_________________________________
ROWLF: Yeah, what do you got there?
_________________________________
FOZZIE: Take this.