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The Muppet Movie
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STATLER: Oh, oh. Look at this place.
What a dump.
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WALDORF: Bunch of weirdos
around here. Look at 'em.
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-MUPPET: Boring.
-To the costume designers.
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-To the prop makers.
-MISS PIGGY: Kermie, Kermie.
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KERMIT: (SINGING) Why are there
so many songs about rainbows
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MAN: Help! Hello.
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MAN: Okay, okay, you guys.
Now, come on. Do what I tell you.
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MAN: Hey, you on the bike!
Watch out! Watch out!
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KERMIT: The El Sleezo Cafe.
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KERMIT: Wow.
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MAN: Watch out. Hot plates
comin' through. Look out.
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PIANIST: And now, filling in for the
vacationing El Sleezo dancing girls,
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FOZZIE: No problem.
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FOZZIE: Two, three, four.
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FOZZIE: Argh!
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MAN: Drinks on the house.
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-(BANGING)
-FOZZIE: Ah.
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KERMIT: What's that?
FOZZIE: Ah.
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-FOZZIE: Okay, here we go, here we go.
-(BANGING)
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-FOZZIE: Sorry.
-Hey, that's my Caddy!
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HOPPER: Frog, it's money
we're talking about.
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FOZZIE: Oh, it's a gorgeous day.
KERMIT: Yep, certainly is.
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KERMIT: We'll learn to share the load
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FOZZIE: We don't need a map
to keep this show on the road
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FOZZIE: Kermit.
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KERMIT: I don't believe that.
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KERMIT: (SINGING) Movin' right along
We've found a life on the highway
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FOZZIE: And your way is my way
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KERMIT: So trust my navigation
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FOZZIE: California, here we come
Come pie in the sky land
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KERMIT: Palm trees and warm sand
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FOZZIE: Send someone to fetch us
We're in Saskatchewan
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FOZZIE: Hey, I've never seen the sun
come up in the west
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KERMIT: Hey.
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FOZZIE: Kermit, where are we?
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KERMIT: Look out! Stop!
FOZZIE: No problem.
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SCOOTER: Hey, don't forget about me.
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ANIMAL: Profitable.
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FLOYD: Great job.
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ANIMAL: Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
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HOPPER: Remember,
this frog does everything.
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-GONZO: Oh, yeah?
-(CLUCKING)
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GONZO: Uh-huh. Yeah.
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GONZO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do
that. But first, wait till we get there.
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KERMIT: We're gonna hit.
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GONZO: Well, I'm getting in your car.
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FOZZIE: Oh, boy.
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-KERMIT AND FOZZIE: Huh?
-But you'll think it's stupid.
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KERMIT: No, I won't.
FOZZIE: Tell us, tell us.
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CAMILLA: Ah.
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KERMIT: Hey, look up ahead.
There's Mad Man Mooney's.
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FOZZIE: What's that?
KERMIT: It's a used-car lot.
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FOZZIE: Wait. Trade in my
uncle's Studebaker?
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KERMIT: Sure.
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FOZZIE: Oh, when he wakes up,
he'll kill me.
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KERMIT: You're swinging this
turn very wide, Fozzie.
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FOZZIE: Well, hold it, will you?
Just... Here we go. Up the bump.
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KERMIT: There we go.
Hold on. All right.
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FOZZIE: Look at these cars.
GONZO: Kermit, Kermit, Kermit.
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FOZZIE: No, he's not gonna
sell your plunger.
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KERMIT: Look at 'em up there.
Pull it up a little further here, Fozzie.
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FOZZIE: Where should I stop?
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-How should I stop?
-KERMIT: A little bit farther.
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GONZO: Easy, easy.
FOZZIE: Okay. Here?
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KERMIT: Everybody out of the car.
FOZZIE: Okay. Chickens first.
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FOZZIE: Wow. Ah!
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KERMIT: Hey, watch where
you're going now, Fozzie.
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FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
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MAN: We sure grow 'em
purdy around here, don't we?
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-MAN: The first runner-up...
-What's over there, Kermit?
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-MAN: Is Debbie-Sue Anderson.
-Over there. See?
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-Oh, no hard feelings, honey.
-MAN: Before announcing the winner,
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-Can I give you a word of advice?
-GONZO: What?
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FOZZIE: Kermit. Kermit.
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GONZO: Oh! Oh!
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KERMIT: Gonzo! What are you doing?
MISS PIGGY: What?
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KERMIT: Gonzo, we're coming!
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KERMIT: Step on it, Fozzie!
FOZZIE: Yes, sir.
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MISS PIGGY: Oh, Kermit.
You're a born leader.
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KERMIT: Now, where is he?
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KERMIT: He's caught in
a crosswind, Fozzie.
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FOZZIE: Oh, no.
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KERMIT: We're okay now.
The wind's shifted.
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-Wait a minute. Stay with him, Fozzie.
-FOZZIE: Yeah.
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-He's right above us.
-GONZO: Whoo-hoo!
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KERMIT: Why don't you
stay on the road?
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KERMIT: Look out for the billboard.
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MAX: No!
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MISS PIGGY: Kermit,
you were so courageous.
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-WAITER: Miss Piggy.
-Hmm.
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WAITER:
Phone call for Kermit the Frog.
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-Piggy, is that you?
-HOPPER: Yes, that's her.
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MAN: Where'd she go?
MISS PIGGY: Oh, boys.
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-FOZZIE: What's going on?
-Hey, what happened?
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GONZO: Quiet.
FOZZIE: Quiet.
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FOZZIE: Quiet, Gonzo.
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FOZZIE: O beautiful for spacious skies
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FOZZIE: How long is it to Hollywood?
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KERMIT:
We gotta be there by tomorrow.
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GONZO: Hey, Kermit. Are you gonna
get an agent like that pig had?
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FOZZIE: Gonzo, you know
he's touchy about that.
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ROWLF: Hey, who's that?
KERMIT: I don't believe that.
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KERMIT: Piggy?
FOZZIE: Kermit.
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ROWLF: Hey, do you think
we should help her with her bag?
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FOZZIE: Hmm.
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FOZZIE: Hmmm.
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HOPPER: (ON RADIO)
You've been listenin'
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FOZZIE: Oh, boy. Yeah, what?
KERMIT: Fozzie?
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FOZZIE: No problem. It's okay, it's okay.
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-Listen...
-KERMIT: Oh, boy.
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FOZZIE: Oh, we're in trouble.
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ROWLF: Probably somethin' broken
about the engine, I think.
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GONZO: Hey, don't worry.
Someone's bound to come along.
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GONZO: Boy, you could get
lost in a sky like that.
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KERMIT'S VOICE: So, why did you
leave the swamp in the first place?
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FLOYD: Oh, yeah.
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DR. TEETH: Here we go.
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FLOYD: Uh-oh.
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JANICE: Drag city.
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DR. TEETH: Hey, hey.
The man with the badge.
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FOZZIE: Oh, no, Kermit.
What are we gonna do?
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-It's time to beat feet, green stuff.
-FOZZIE: Let's get out of here, Kermit.
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-FOZZIE: Kermit, you can't do that.
-Now, listen, guys.
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BUNSEN: Welcome to our laboratory.
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SCOOTER: Hey, Kermit.
Here comes Doc Hopper.
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KERMIT: I'm here. I'll meet you
in the middle of the street.
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KERMIT: Man to frog.
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-KERMIT: All right, Hopper.
-All right, Frog.
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GONZO: Wow! Wicked!
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DR. TEETH: Yeah, next stop
is Hollywood and Vine.
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FOZZIE: Look at the ocean. The ocean.
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ANIMAL: Animal!
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FLOYD: What he says.
GONZO: Yeah, come on.
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KERMIT: We'll just sit right
down and wait.
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GONZO: Shake. Shake.
Shake, everyone.
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KERMIT: That's it.
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GONZO: Good, good, good. Do it.
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FLOYD: Yeah, go get 'em, Animal.
KERMIT: Way to go.
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FOZZIE: Allergies are nothing
to sneeze at.
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DR. TEETH: I'm allergic to cat myself.
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KERMIT: That's it, Rowlf.
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-KERMIT: Wow.
-(BUZZER SOUNDS)
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FLOYD: Yeah, all right.
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-Okay, way to go, guys.
-FOZZIE: All right.
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MISS PIGGY: Yes, yes, yes, yes.
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KERMIT:
We've come over 2,000 miles...
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FOZZIE: Yes, sir. A foot stomper.
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-Miss Piggy, you look beautiful.
-MISS PIGGY: Thank you.
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BEAKER: Makeup ready.
FLOYD: Scenery ready.
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BUNSEN: Sound is rolling.
ROWLF: Camera's rollin'.
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MISS PIGGY: All ready, Kermie.
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The Great Muppet Caper
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KERMIT: Pretty nice up here, isn't it?
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-FOZZIE: Kermit?
-Huh?
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FOZZIE: What if we drift out to sea?
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KERMIT: "The Great Muppet Caper."
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FOZZIE: Nice title.
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GONZO: Whoo-wee!
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GONZO: I wonder how far you could
plummet before you blocked out.
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KERMIT: Well, don't try it, Gonzo.
We need you for this movie.
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GONZO: Sure is tempting.
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-FOZZIE: Kermit?
-Huh?
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FOZZIE: What does "BSC" stand for?
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KERMIT: I don't know.
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-FOZZIE: Kermit?
-Mmm?
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FOZZIE: Are the credits over?
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KERMIT: Uh, not quite.
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FOZZIE: Nobody reads those names
anyway, do they?
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KERMIT: Sure. They all have families.
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KERMIT: Ooh, we're going down!
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GONZO: Right this way, young lady.
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KERMIT: Gee, Mr. Tarkanian.
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FOZZIE: Dad spoke well of you, too.
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KERMIT: Oh, boy.
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FOZZIE: You're lucky, you have fur.
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KERMIT: No, no, no.
You're the one with the fur.
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KERMIT: I think I'll read for a while.
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FOZZIE: Whoa!
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GONZO: What's happening?
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FOZZIE: Geronimo!
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KERMIT: Glug!
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KERMIT: Hey, guys, this is London.
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FOZZIE: Yeah, London!
We made it! Oh, boy!
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GONZO: Is that the Eiffel Tower?
FOZZIE: Yeah!
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KERMIT: No.
FOZZIE: No, no.
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FOZZIE: This is terrific.
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GONZO: It's very realistic.
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-Hey, what's the name of this river?
-KERMIT: I don't know.
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FOZZIE: I think it's the English River.
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KERMIT AND GONZO: Oh.
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GONZO: I'll take a picture of it.
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FOZZIE: Oh, did I get my
elbow in the shot?
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GONZO: Don't worry.
It adds human interest.
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FOZZIE: But I'm a bear.
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FOZZIE: Wow.
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KERMIT: Excuse me?
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ANIMAL: Renoir!
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RIZZO: That's okay.
There's no food either.
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RAT: Come on, Rizzo.
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GONZO: (MUFFLED) Say, this is nice.
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KERMIT: (MUFFLED)
Can somebody turn out the light?
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WOMAN: Yes, Lady Holiday?
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GONZO: (GROANS) Ugh.
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FOZZIE: Gonzo? Gonzo!
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GONZO: Pull.
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MISS PIGGY: Oh! What an honor.
You're all so wonderful.
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KERMIT: Thank you very much, sir.
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KERMIT: It's straight down this street.
BEAUREGARD: Okay.
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MAN: He's headed for the kitchen!
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KERMIT: Oh, no!
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NEVILLE: Oh, you'd have to look
a long way to find a chap
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DORCAS: I wouldn't mind.
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-(DOORBELL RINGS)
-DORCAS: No, no, no.
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MISS PIGGY: I'll just close
the door. It's very drafty.
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MISS PIGGY: We have hot
and cold running water.
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MUPPET: Whee!
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FLOYD: Let's hit the road.
How about a little traveling music?
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JANICE: For sure. A love song.
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ANIMAL: Love song, love song.
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FLOYD: Hit it!
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DR. TEETH: (SINGING)
Give me my good friends
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MAN 1: Bravo!
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MAN 2: Bravo!
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POPS: What's going on in there?
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POPS: Well, catch him in another room.
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FLOYD: What is this, anyway?
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MISS PIGGY:
Get your filthy hands off me!
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KERMIT: Hey, you.
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LADY HOLIDAY: And now,
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LADY HOLIDAY:
Here's capricious Carla,
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MAN: Oh, I say!
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NICKY: Daffodils, Miss Piggy
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KERMIT: Oh, dear. Oh, you poor thing.
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GONZO: So there I was,
backstage under a table.
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JANICE: Bummer.
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MUPPET: (MUFFLED)
Or we could get some sleep.
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WOMAN: Miss Piggy?
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NICKY: Glass cutter?
CARLA: Check.
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KERMIT: Beauregard.
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-(ALL WHISPER EXCITEDLY)
-MUPPET: Shh. Shh.
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GONZO: Okay. Quiet.
MUPPET: Shh. Shh.
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KERMIT: Okay. You guys
all got your disguises in place?
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-FOZZIE: The cops!
-(ALL YELL)
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-Stand by, guys.
-MUPPETS: Right!
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GONZO: Phew.
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ANIMAL: Sorry.
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SCOOTER: How are we
gonna get down there?
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FOZZIE: Watch out!
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KERMIT: Miss Piggy!
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-FOZZIE: Yeah! Way to go!
-(MUPPETS CHEERING)
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-KERMIT: You mean...
-Yup.
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